Monday, January 14, 2013


It's that time of year again (actually it's slightly past now) to talk about New Year's Resolutions. Actually it's more like January 14th resolutions, but what the heck. So what was your resolution? Was it like mine to be more prompt (heaven knows I could use it with these blog posts!)? Or are you like millions of other people that pushed "eating healthy and exercising regularly" to the top of the list for 2013? Whatever your own resolutions may have been, sit back and let me take you through the most common ones overall. I'll skip a few since, frankly they are boring and don't provide me with fodder for mocking. I hope this list doesn't impact your resolutions That's the kind of conformist thinking that ruins society.

10. Finish those around the house "to-do" lists

Believe it or not, apparently people don't get the work done that they intend to. This is a total shock to me as I never procrastinate and always get things done well before they need to be done. You probably need to know me to appreciate this statement. Suffice it to say that I could easily get an advanced degree in procrastinating if I ever got around to entering the program. This is actually a good resolution for someone like me who, after 4 months still hasn't gotten around to fixing the clogged bathroom sink. And all that I have to do is tell the apartment manager about it.

9. Read more

Here's a real laugh considering our society today. I sincerely wonder how many people there are that make this resolution with no intention of keeping it. After all, it's so much easier to spend time on that life sucker known as television. If you made this resolution and really want to keep it, let me recommend that you not fulfill it with class textbooks. This will single handedly put you off of reading for forever. I would, however, recommend anything by J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis (C.S. stands for Clive Staples. No wonder he went by "Jack!") or any of the many definitive works of Theodore Geisel, more commonly known by his pen name, Dr. Suess. (Green Eggs and Ham is particularly ground breaking)

7. Save money

Riiiight. This is the seventh most common resolution for 2013 and yet we still have so much debt on the whole. "But saving money is so hard!" you might say. "You have to clip coupons and look for deals. It's exhausting." That is true, but there is another option which can be summed up in three words: Spend Less Money. Seriously, if you're actually serious about saving money,
just follow this simple plan.
            a. Exercise a little restraint. Next time you want to spend an obscene amount of money on               the new iPhone/iPad or a new pair of shoes or whatever (guns for me!) wait for a week                      before you buy it.
            b. If you still want it after a week, consider, really consider, whether you need it or just                    want it. I'll answer this for you right now. You don't need it.
            c. If you still find yourself wanting to buy this things that you know you shouldn't buy,                   find your best friend and have them smack you as hard as they can, preferably in the                            head, to smack some sense into you.
            d. If you still buy it after all this, God help you.
Seriously though, this resolution is easily achieved just by making a few modifications to your life-style. Just don't buy that ridiculously expensive coffee from Starbucks every single day. Every other is probably enough. Also, if you keep getting mugged or robbed, cut that out. It's a real drain on resources.

5. Better work/life balance

I've got no room to mock here. I'd have to have a life to be able to balance it with my work. I'm lucky that I get to sleep much less have a life. True story.

4. Quit smoking

Best of luck to you.

3. Learn something new

This one is so easy that there's no reason that you can't complete it. If you can't come up with anything else, and it's approaching the end of December, contact me and I'll teach you a more efficient method of picking your nose.

2. Drink less

see number 4

1. Eat healthy and exercise regularly

Let me lead off with a good laugh. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That might seem insensitive, but that's only because it is. I mean, because it is well deserved. According to Time Magazine "60% of gym memberships go unused and attendance is usually back to normal by mid-February." I guess that's why this resolution is also the most commonly broken one. Why? People are lazy, of course. If you're actually serious about this resolution, find someone to do it with you. Many people find it hard to self motivate but do much better with a friend.  And remember, running is as easy as 1-2-3. (1. left foot forward, 2. right foot forward, 3. repeat)

Well, that's all for now. Next post will be more on time and hopefully a little more funny than this one. Until next time.


P.S. If you thought you were clever and resolved not to make a New Year's resolution, quit being a smart aleck. Oh, and pick something that you can succeed at since you've already broken that resolution.


  1. There was actually some wisdom tucked in with all of that sarcasm.

  2. my new years resolution is to gain weight