Tuesday, May 17, 2011

What Can I Mock Today?

            I’m sure that if you read my blog on a regular basis, and THAT is certainly a huge assumption, that you noticed that my last post was more than two weeks ago and in it I promised a new post soon. Well, I’m sorry for the delay, but I’ve found that now that I no longer have internet access at my house, I just can’t seem to make it to the library to use the net. Well, here’s the long promised post that I’m sure you all have just been dying to read.
            I was casting about for a topic that was ripe with humor and I finally settled on a good one: cheap crap that’s made in China. Now before anyone gets any ideas that I don’t like China or something like that, let me set that record straight and say that that is not the case. I like China, Chinese people, Chinese food (real or Americanized), Chinese football, Chinese freeze tag, incredibly fake stylized Chinese martial arts movies, the secret Chinese handshake, Chinese names, and Chinese history (this last one is only funny if you know how much I HATE history in general). That point is that anything in the following paragraphs is not an insult to China but really more of an insult to America for buying all of the cheap junk that China makes.
            So, what cheap Chinese garbage is there out there that I can make fun of? I had a bugger of a time finding something made in China and when I did there was nothing funny about it. Maybe this post won’t work out very well. (Hee hee hee! I almost couldn’t say that with a straight face) Actually, as I sit here typing this, I look around for something, anything, and figure that it will be made in China. I see a pencil box and grab it. It has only mediocre quality, and I think that it is a perfect candidate for something made in China, but as I turn it over, you’ll never guess where it says it was made. It was made, and I’m not making this up, IN THE USA! So much for my first attempt at finding some cheap Chinese crap to make fun of.
            The ironic part to this post is that as I began to search my house for things made in China, the first items that I found were the nice pieces that my family has received from people who were actually in China. Which is ridiculous because everything is made in China these days, but there’s irony for you. Anyway, I finally found a good piece of junk from China to mock, a Rubik’s cube. A Rubik’s cube doesn’t need to be made in China to make fun of it, I mean the thing is ridiculous. You spin pieces round and round until you finally get two reds on one side, but after that you are royally screwed because there’s no way in heck you’re going to get anymore reds on that face of the cube. So you sit there spinning pieces and trying desperately to get another red to join its brothers, but instead they look up at you mocking you. After twelve straight hours of this (assuming that you have that kind of patience) you’ll invariably find that all seven other red pieces have not joined the face that you wish them to but are on the opposite face mocking you from there. You’ll think that that is good; all that you have to do is get the other two red pieces to join them, but when you try to do that, they will suddenly scatter in all directions, infuriating you and prompting you to throw the blasted thing at the wall. And this is one time that losing your temper will actually help because when the Rubik’s cube hits the wall, a few of the colored pieces will pop off. As you’re about to pop the pieces back onto where they came off of, you’ll realize that all that you need is a butter knife to pop ALL of the pieces off and put them back with all of a given color on a given face. And for all of you sitting out there trying to solve one of the infernal puzzles, let me tell you that that’s the only way that you’re actually going to succeed. It may seem like cheating to do it that way, but hey that’s only because it IS cheating. Once you do it a few times you’ll get used to the feeling.
            But getting back to the Chinese-made Rubik’s cube. So besides all of the problems that I already listed with this infernal and futile puzzle, there is the added benefit that the quality of the object is horrible. This means that it takes fifteen minutes to get the pieces to actually turn for the first time. The good news is that after the first time it only takes about fourteen minutes for each of the following twists. After three or four hours, you’ll realize that the only thing that this piece of trash is good for is to be shredded up and used for synthetic woodchips. The only benefit of the Chinese-made Rubik’s cube is that it’s easier to pop the colored pieces off of the faces and replace them where you want them to go.
            So what else is there that is made by China? Well the only problem is that there I could only find one thing to make fun of. And by one thing I mean crappy quality! Surely you didn’t think that I’d only found a Chinese-made Rubik’s cube. Heck no, there are hundreds of things to mock; in fact, there are so many that there are entire magazines devoted to them. One of these that we receive at my house in called Oriental Trading but here we know it by its true title the WLCC (World’s Largest Collection of Crap). It’s filled with all kinds of great things like foam swords that wouldn’t last five minutes among my brothers, costumes that only come in one size that is always two sizes too small no matter who you buy them for, pencils that disintegrate when you sharpen them, and all kinds of party favors like frogs that supposedly hop but never actually do, light sticks that glow in the dark (sometimes), and whoopee cushions who specialize in silent but deadly. The best part about the WLCC magazine is that they have models in it that wear the most ridiculous things and yet still smile about it. Obviously they have either been threatened at gun point or are being paid a large amount of money. My bet is on the first one. The only good thing about the WLCC is that they allow you to buy in bulk so that if you purchase 150 bells, you might get a dozen that actually have the ringers in them.
            As fun as it is to make fun of Chinese things that are sold in the US, you have to go to China to truly appreciate some instances where, quite frankly, the Chinese didn’t spend enough producing things and so ended up with poor ending quality. In the cases that I’m referring to, China really should have spent more on an interpreter to write English translations on their signs.

Sadly, I apparently can't upload pictures to this blog page or I simply don't know how to do so. I was going to have several pictures of crazy Chinese signs, but stupid Blogger won't let me. I plan on uploading the pictures to Facebook if anyone is interested in seeing them. Below is the link to get to the pictures. Hope that you enjoy them.

But as fun as it is to mock China, sadly this post must come to an end. As always, thanks for reading and any input that you have will be appreciated.

Peter Last

P.S. I was given this idea by one of my siblings, although I modified it a bit before it made it to my blog. So here’s a question that will stump most people; What do an assassin, a clergyman, and a germaphobe have in common?
You can answer this by use of feedback at the end of this post or simply wait until my next post to find out the answer.


  1. Being married to a Chinese woman and having lived in China, I feel the need to defend the Chinese people...

    Do you know where Apple's iPhones and iPads are manufactured? Or Dell computers? Or HP or Sony computer parts? Of a lot of high-end tableware? Or the widescreen HD computer monitor I am typing this on? Wait for it... CHINA!!! Chinese factories produce a lot of high-quality stuff these days. They also produce a lot of crap (although the cheap plastic crap business has mostly moved to Vietnam and Cambodia and other poorer SE Asian countries). So the fact is that China CAN produce high quality stuff. So why does China also make cheap crap? Because US consumers want crap, and they want it at the lowest possible price (a need that Wal-Mart feeds well). So the answer is all this cheap crap is made because Americans WANT cheap crap! The Chinese are just fulfilling market demands. So who's the real doofuses in this picture?

    If Steve makes a high quality widget and sells it for $12 and Bob makes a crappy widget and sells it for $6, and I choose to buy from Bob, who's the real person to blame here? As I often remind my wife (as she buys cheap SE Asian-made clothing), With very few exceptions, you get what you pay for!!

  2. David,

    Thanks for the comment. Of course I know all of that. In fact I think that I alluded to the fact that Americans are the real idiots here in my blog. All of that aside, it's just so fun to make fun of things no matter where they come from or whose fault they are! That's what I do best.