Tuesday, April 05, 2011

When the Lights go out

            I remember when I was a small child and liked it when the electricity went out. With no electric lights and only candles to see by, me and my siblings could play games like hide-and-go-seek-in-the-dark without anyone being able to cheat. Also we could make the argument that we couldn’t do school since the lights were out. Every time a thunderstorm came along we would cross our fingers and hope that the electricity died. Of course, we weren’t very smart kids because we also flew kites in lightning storms in an attempt to reenact Ben Franklin’s experiment but anyway… The problem with these child-like fantasies is that the world runs on electricity. Like the toaster. Toasters use electricity and without toast, there’s really nothing to live for. I mean, there is God, happiness, true love, but all of those pale in comparison to toast. (And I cringe, waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me down for comparing God to toast and ranking Him second)
            Another thing that electricity produces, if you have an electric water heater is, (you guessed it!) hot water! Hot water is fantastic for showers and washing the dishes, just two situations where cold water just doesn’t cut it. When I finally realized that both toasters and hot water are a product of electricity, I put two and two together and decided that since each of them was great by itself, they would be even better together. My only regret is that I lost my fillings when I was slammed into the wall by the electric shock.
            Last night the electricity where I live went kaput right while I was studying physics. Not that I wanted to study physics, but I have to anyway, so I was a little ticked at the interruption. With my physics engorged brain on the loose, I began to think about the efficiency of a generator that I would need for a hamster wheel to power all of the electronics in the house. For the hundredth time I concluded that I am a hopeless geek. The lack of electricity made my night bad, right off the bat. First of all, the toaster had no power so I was unable to have toast for dinner. My foul mood was worsened by the fact that I had to take a cold shower and by the fact that I kept running into to walls and stuff.
            So how did the electricity die in our house? There a few theories on that, some more plausible than others. I’ll start with the ridiculous ones. There is a slight chance that the mammoth storm that we were having disrupted the power lines. Like I said, ridiculous. It’s more likely that a dog got into the power station and fried himself, disrupting power flow. Now I’ve no grudge against the dog, but if he wanted to commit suicide because no one loved him, one would think that he could have done it so that it didn’t inconvenience everyone else. On a side note, this leads up to an important safety rule: No matter how bad Rover is, never throw him into a power station. You should throw your cat in instead!
            The most logical explanation for the lack of power is that it was a conspiracy. How do I know this? Last night when the power was out, I saw a car that had its headlights on. The conspiracy was invented to prevent me from studying physics or to generally inconvenience me. I know this because today when I was riding the bus to school, guess what? The lighted sign indicating the bus route worked but the stoplights didn’t, creating a huge traffic jam and making me late for my first class.
            In any case, the power is back now, so I’ll probably never find out who it was that was conspiring against me. I guess that it will remain one of life’s little mysteries.

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