Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Protect Your Apples! a parable by Peter Last

To whoever reads this:
Have fun reading this one.

DISCLAIMER: This is a true story, and all of the events that take place in it are true; however, certain activities, the names of the people involved, the genders of the people involved, the ages of people involved the dates on which said activities occurred, and the titles of certain holidays have been changed (or have they?) to protect the innocent. There may also be some other things changed that I forgot to mention.

            This is a story about Christmas break two years ago. I was 27 back then. In case you were wondering, yes I discovered the fountain of youth. I was going to visit my sister, Ellen, at her dwelling about seven hours from anywhere. She lived in the middle of Texas. I was visiting her because I had been hearing about their biennial strawberry food fight and wanted to see what it was all about. (Spoiler Alert: All that it is, is a lot of people throwing fruit at each other) I had a potential week of vacation from my job with an interior design company call Inter Iordes Igncom Pany so I decided to take a few days off from the InterIor desIgn comPany to go see the festival. (If you still haven’t figured out how I came up with this incredible name from the company…it’s Italian)
            So I requested off and traveled to The Middle of Nowhere, Texas and got ready to throw strawberries at people. I forgot to mention that about a week before I left, Ellen called me and told me about this creepy guy that she knew.  His name was Aaron and apparently she had told him a lot about me. She said that Aaron really wanted to be my friend. I was like, “He doesn’t even know whether I’m fat and lazy. Or if my attitude stinks. (Which it does)” Well, from what my sister told me, it sounded more like Aaron wanted to steal my apples than anything else. Oh, I forgot to tell you about my apples. Well forget about it. I have apples and he wanted to steal them. That’s all the explanation this story needs. And should you want a better explanation, well too bad; it’s a secret.
            Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after having been warned about Aaron, I packed my suitcases and headed for Texas. It took forever and a day to get to her house, but that’s because it takes that long to get anywhere in Texas. The trip was long and boring except for that one time when I lost control of and almost ran into…well empty space. I hit the empty space next to it instead. And then there was the time that the suicidal possum jumped in front of my car, but that wasn’t too interesting. It just kind of went BUMP. Though it WILL be interesting trying to clean it out of the underbelly of my car. Other than that, I got to Ellen’s house without any mishaps.
            I spent the night at Ellen’s house and the next day was the festival. We had agreed to not tell Aaron that I was in town, and that worked for a while. The festival happened, and everything was going great until two of Ellen’s smart aleck friends, who had been on the opposite team in the strawberry fight, got angry, because they had lost. One of them texted Aaron to tell him that I was in town. Well, you can imagine that I was less than pleased by the text, but I was prepared to deal with the situation calmly. After freaking out and running around like a chicken with its head chopped off for a while, I began to prepare for the inevitable meeting. The only thing that I was really worried about was my apples, so I took precautions to ensure that they wouldn’t be stolen.
            By the way, before you condemn me for judging Aaron, let me say that it was not a stereotype. He had been stealing apples from one of Ellen’s friends for quite a while now. Simply using history as my guide, I locked my apples up.
            Getting back to the story, I was prepared to meet the creepy Aaron, and none too soon. No sooner had I stuffed all twelve bushels of apples under the kitchen carpet than I heard a knock at the door. It was Aaron, and he wasn’t creepy at all. Apparently Ellen already had a bad opinion of him and that factored into her perception of him. Aaron and I hit it off immediately, and we spent the rest of the day together. Actually, we didn’t hit it off, and we didn’t spend a lot of time together, but I thought it would be nice if I said that we did. Although I was telling the truth when I said that he wasn’t creepy. We weren’t best friends when he left, but on the other hand we left on good terms. Although I still am trying to pay off that hospital bill that I accrued for him. Oh, and he was probably steamed about his car. And his coat. Another thing that I will say about Aaron is that he sure is stupid. I told him that the lump under the kitchen carpet was the wood floor’s mole. The next day I left and never plan to see Aaron again.
            I was thinking about this particular event in my life, and decided that there was a good life lesson here. Actually I needed something to write in my blog and this was the first thing that jumped into my mind. (STRAWBERRY FIGHT! Followed closely by SQUIRREL!) The life lesson explanation sounds better, so I’ll go with it. You see, before I ever met Aaron, Ellen told me that he was creepy, and I believed her. Well, when I actually met Aaron, he wasn’t creepy at all but seemed like a decent guy. So life lesson part one is, “Just because you hear it doesn’t mean it’s true.” On the other hand, Aaron also didn’t seem like the type of guy that would steal apples, but I know for a fact that he has done it before. So life lesson part two is, “Just because you see it doesn’t mean it’s true.” Take these two parts, put them together, modify them a bit, but them in a plastic container in the refrigerator overnight, reheat them on 350o for 15 minutes, run them through the blender, put them in a bowl, garnish them with parsley, and serve with chocolate milk and you get a very true saying that I was told by a very smart man, a saying that I live my life by.

“Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.”

Thank you for reading my blog. Hope that it taught you something.

Peter Last

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