Monday, October 25, 2010

Sammy Jr. Rataloni- A modern parable

To whoever reads this:
The following is a modern knockoff and mishmash of two of Jesus' parables. Obviously I don't take credit for their content since I didn't really come up with them. I did, however, embellish them a bit to make them funnier.

            Sammy Jr. was a good little baby rat. He was born on the 5th of August, 2010 to his loving parents, Sammy Sr. and Jenny Rataloni. He was such a cute baby rat, the first child of his parents. That wasn’t incredibly special, though because his ten siblings followed a few minutes later. The Rataloni’s were very proud of their children.
            Sammy Sr. and Jenny loved all of their children. Even when rats in love with the environment told them that having a family of eleven was irresponsible, unsustainable, and would kill the world, they would not change their minds.
            “Destroy the world?” Sammy Sr. asked one particular rat. “Don’t you think that you’re overreacting just a bit?”
            Jenny simply noted that this rat didn’t have a spouse and died that way only a few days later. Some said that this was due to a broken heart, that the poor creature never found the love of his life. The condition of his body prompted an investigation; however, and it was found that he had been trampled to death by a buffalo that he had tried to stop from destroying the natural environment.
            The Rataloni children grew up very quickly. In no time at all, they were walking and all wanted to play sports.
            “I’m proud of you, kids,” Sammy Sr. told his children. Jenny simply looked on with a worried expression as he paid for all of the sports equipment.
            All too soon, the little rats were old enough to get their drivers licenses.
            “I’m proud of you kids,” Sammy Sr. said to his children. “I’m going to buy you all a new car!” Jenny watched with a worried expression as her children roared out of the driveway in their new rides.
            When the children started to bring home girlfriends and boyfriends, Sammy Sr. was proud of his sons.
            “Way to go boys! Go get those cute, little girl rats,” he said. On the other hand, he scared off all of the boyfriends of his little girls with a shot gun. Jenny thought that he had a bit of a double standard.
            Then it was time for the children to go to college and get an education.
            “Oh, my gosh! Why did I have so many children!” Sammy Sr. groaned. “This tuition bill is going to kill me!” Jenny simply smiled as she thought about all of the well-educated children that she would have to take care of her in her old age.
            “But I don’t want to go to college, dad!” Sammy Jr. whined. “It’s too much work. Besides, I’ll never use that stuff in real life.”
            “What are you going to do to support yourself?” Sammy Sr. asked. “You aren’t planning on working at a fast food restaurant all of your life, are you?”
            “Of course not, dad, I’m smarter than that,” Sammy said in a self-righteous tone. “I’m two months old now; I’m not a kid anymore. I was going to wait until you die and then live off of your inheritance.”
            “That’s just a little cold,” Sammy Sr. said. “What are you going to do until I die?”
            “Well, I was thinking about that,” Sammy Jr. said. “Could you give me my inheritance now? That way I wouldn’t have to work until you died.”
            “I still think that it’s a little cold, but sure,” Sammy Sr. agreed. “Here, I’ll write you a check.”
            With his check in hand, Sammy Jr. drove out of town. He was already making plans about what he would do with his money.
            “First I’ll use this money to buy a nice house,” he said to himself. “Then I’ll use my money to buy friends. Some really big parties should do the trick. After a few weeks of extravagant living, my money will be all gone, and I will be stuck, living in a dump and working for a fast food franchise. And the only food that I’ll have will be pig swill. Maybe I can steal some of that fast food, but that’s just as bad. After I live in misery for a while, I’m sure I will think of something to do.”
            Sammy Jr. drove all day before stopping in a town as the sun was setting. Quickly he started to look for a place to stay and found a likely looking trailer park. His first stop was the dumpster to look through the ‘trailer trash’ for dinner. After eating his fill, he found a nice trailer that had a convenient hole through which he could gain access to the underside of the structure. Quickly he tore a hole through the trailer’s insulation and crawled up in among the pipes and wires. He saw some green, blue, and red strings.
            “And this place comes with candy, too!” he exclaimed. “I recognize this stuff from when dad use to bring it home.”
            Immediately he started to gnaw on the colored strings. It didn’t taste like candy, more like plastic, but Sammy Jr. kept gnawing. Suddenly the plastic taste ended and a metallic one replaced it.
            “Oh crud, I think that I’m actually chewing on…”
            There was a brief flash lighting up the underbelly of the trailer, then blackness.

A Few Days Later

            The stink had started as nothing. At first it was easy to ignore, but it grew steadily until it was too much to bear.
            “Peter, was that you?!” my brother asked. I looked up from my dinner and looked at him with a puzzled look. “Was what me?”
            Now before you wonder how I could possibly not smell an unbearable stench, let me say that God has blessed me with an incredibly bad sense of smell. Most people may not look at this as a blessing, but hey, if your aspiration is to be a sewage pipe repairman, a bad sense of smell is a good thing.
            “That ungodly stench,” my brother said. “Don’t you smell it?”
            “Nope, don’t smell a thing,” I said and went back to eating dinner. I finished and looked over at my brother; he was looking a bit green.
            “Are you feeling all right?” I asked. “Because if you aren’t, I’ll eat the rest of your food for you.”
            “Here, It’s all yours,” my brother said and pushed his plate toward me.

A Few Hours Later

            “Peter, is that you?” my sister asked. Her nose was wrinkled, so I had a good idea what she was asking about.
            “No, not me,” I answered. “If you’re referring to that ungodly smell, I have no idea what it is.”
            “It smells kind of like sewage to me,” my sister said. “What do you think that it smells like?”
            “Oh, I can’t smell anything,” I answered and left the room. My sister hasn’t asked me anything since. I don’t know why.

Later On

            The other people in my house decided that the stench was probably coming from the tub drain in the master bedroom. The next day and a half were spent pouring chemicals down the drain, using drain snakes on it, and using a plunger on it. Nothing worked and the stench continued to grow. Finally, my sister realized that the smell was not coming from the tub drain but from under the tub itself. She also recalled having heard a faint car door slam followed by scratching under the house a few days prior. These clues, plus the fact that the stench smelled a lot like dead fish lead us to believe that smell might be from a dead animal under the house.
            The smell was bad by now. Even I, with my horrible sense of smell, could smell it clearly. So on October 24th 2010, I and my brother went outside to find the source of the stink. We removed the skirt from the trailer and looked underneath. The shredded insulation assured us that an animal had been there, we just had to find it. Which wasn’t very hard; we just followed our noses. Literally.
            Of course that didn’t mean that it was comfortable. The trailer only has about two feet of space under it, so we had to lie on our backs and slide underneath to look for the dead animal. Dust fell in our eyes and the stench was terrible. After a bit of searching, my brother was able to locate an odd lump in the insulation. We quickly determined that it was the dead animal.
            “Hand me your pocket knife,” he said.
            “Why mine?” I asked.
            “Because I don’t want dead animal guts on mine,” he answered.
            “Oh, that makes sense,” I said and handed him my knife.
            We knew that we were correct about the animal location as soon as my brother started to cut. The animal dripping, yes dripping, out of the cut in the insulation was a giveaway. We placed a plastic bag underneath the animal and continued to cut away the insulation until the rotting carcass fell into the bag. I took the bag, tied it up, and put it out by the curb. I never saw it after that. The next night we had some sort of gumbo, but my sister wouldn’t tell me what kind of meat it had in it. Either way, it was really good!
            After we had gotten rid of the dead rat, I and my brother repaired the damage to the insulation and put the skirt back on the trailer. By now the house is back to smelling normal and my room is back to being the worst smelling room in the house.
                So what was the point of this long story? Actually there are a few of them since I never believed in telling a story with only one point. First of all, you should not run away from your parents, no matter how old you are. They were given to you by God for a reason, and are a lot smarter than you think. There does come a time in your life when you will no longer have to do everything that they tell you, but remember that they love you. Also they have a lot more experience with life than you do, so you should listen to them.
            Another point of this story is that you should not put something in your mouth before you know what it is. You may think that it is candy, it may look like candy, and the man who sold it to you on the street may have referred to it as ‘candy’, but if you aren’t positive of what it is, don’t eat it. After all, Sammy Sr. probably could have told his son that the wires were not food.
            A third point to the tale is to put out this message: if you are going to die, have the decency to not do it under someone’s house. After a while you will begin to stink, and that is no fun for anyone. It is better to just die in public and get buried like everyone else so that no one has to smell you.
            I’m assuming that you are still waiting for the real point, so here it is. The rat that died under my house was small, especially compared to the house that it was under; nevertheless, it sent its stench throughout all of the rooms. The Bible says in I Corinthians 5: 6-7 says “Your boasting is not good. Don't you know that a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough? Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast.” (NIV) This is referring to sin, no matter how small, in a person’s life. Just like the rat and the yeast, sin may start out small, but the result of it is huge and affects everything. So what can we do about it? We need to uproot every sin, every bad habit, everything in our life that is not from God. No matter how small a sin is, even if we say that it is too small to worry about, we must uproot it, or it will spread to the whole person and ruin them completely.

I hope that you enjoyed this post. Thank you for reading my blog.
Peter Last

1 comment:

  1. hahaha i LOVE it!! you are so funny peter!! well, for the record, I didn't remember cooking any weird meaty thingy for you after that. or did I?